Regulation Is Resilience
Parent carrying sad child through a field and remaining regulated
As parents we often judge ourselves by how calm we stay with our kids. After losing our cool, we tend to feel immense shame and guilt. Our minds go to “I should have stayed calm, I’m traumatizing my child” or some version of that. We feel this deeply in our body and promise ourselves that we will stay calm next time. The belief that it is our job to stay ever present and calm through all of our children’s peaks and valleys is a narrative that doesn’t serve us or our children. Real regulation is not a permanent calm. It is a flexible nervous system that can rise to meet a moment and then return. Think of it like a dimmer switch rather than an on off button. We build this capacity in small realistic ways, not by forcing stillness.
What regulation looks like in real life
It has been a long tiring day and you set food down on the table. Your child yells that he doesn’t like what you made for dinner. You feel the frustration and anger rising and you notice your body tighten. You allow yourself to see and recognize the anger but you choose a moment of quiet instead of reaction. You slowly walk away and count to ten while filling your glass of water, allowing yourself to slowly diffuse then come back and reengage.
Your child melts down in the car, you feel your chest tighten, you drop your shoulders and soften your jaw, you play for music you enjoy and drive home.
Bedtime goes sideways, you feel the urge to snap, you step out for a sip of water, you come back and reconnect.
None of these examples are perfectly calm. They are regulated because you stayed connected to yourself enough to choose the next small step.
Why this matters for kids
Children learn regulation from our nervous systems first and our words second. When we model how to ride a wave of feeling and come back to steady enough, they learn that big feelings are survivable. This grows resilience in the whole family.
A simple practice to build capacity
Name what you feel. Quietly say to yourself, overwhelmed or irritated or worried. Naming helps your brain organize the moment. It allows the metaphorical beach ball to rise to the surface of the water slowly instead of flying up by being pressed down too hard.
Find one anchor. Try hand on heart, both feet on the floor, eyes closed or a longer exhale. Choose one you can do anywhere.
Choose the next tiny step. Shorten your sentence. Lower your volume. Offer one choice instead of three.
Repair if needed. If you snapped, circle back. I was stretched thin. I am here now. Let’s try again.
Small reps build regulation the way small reps build muscle. This is resilience.
For parents who feel deeply
If you are sensitive or neurodivergent, your nervous system may notice more and feel more. Nothing is wrong with you. Your sensitivity is information. Begin with one anchor and one tiny step. That is regulation.
If this landed for you: I send a short monthly reflection for parents who want steadier ground. One thought, one practice, one question. Join here and I will send the next one to your inbox.
